Dear CB, volume one

It's January 24. Yesterday the first ice cream truck of the season rolled through our neighborhood. Why am I here?

I'm also officially on Twitter now -- did you know porn spammers make fake accounts there? I do, because they all subscribed to me immediately after I joined. "Wow, look how many followers I have!", I naively thought to myself. False. Oh well. Find me @mylifeslikethat.

Gainful employment has thus far eluded me, so I'm occupying my time with cleaning out the garage, reading, and writing. Not blog posts, obviously -- that would require internet -- but I write a lot of letters, some of which I even send. Since nothing has happened that is much worth relating (or actually, that I could relate without being outrageously offensive. Cf: the rejection of my application at a Goodwill store and my family's attempt to get me to apply for a museum cop job), I'm going to post a recent letter instead. It's to CB, and, well, you'll see.


Dear CB,


Jan. 8:
I know I wrote you like 3 days ago, but I’m sitting here at 10.30 pm listening to the country station and pretty much pissing myself over these songs! Maybe I’ve been out of the country loop for awhile, but I don’t think they’re playing these in Nash! Anyway, here are some of the best songs/lines I’ve heard today:

Toby Keith – Red Solo Cup is pretty funny. TK is from the next town (Moore) and, because they have nothing else to be proud of, they have “home of Toby Keith” on their water tower.

Some song about “I’m so much cooler online” that I was dying at. **edit: This appears to be a Brad Paisley song. Am I the only one who hears "Brad Paisley" and expects a New Wave singer? Just saying, that is a way effeminate moniker for a country artist.

Jason Aldean’s new song (complete with awkward rap!) about “chilling on a dirt road / laid back swerving like I’m George Jones.” Pissed. Myself. Laughing.

Montgomery Gentry, “Where I Come From”. So, let me get this straight, MG. You’re proud of your quiet country hometown… where dudes can fight in the parking lot and no one calls the cops? WTH is wrong with your police force, MG? What are you trying to promote? I’m never going to where y’all come from because I’ll get mugged and no one will care!

Unknown singer, song about how he’s not worried about the new guy she’s dating, because he’s (#2) not country and she’ll come back to guy #1 after finding out about new guy’s flaws: “he can’t even bait a hook/he can’t even skin a buck…” Go with new guy, girl! Ex-bf’s gonna kill you and make it look like a hunting accident!

So many [edit] songs, which all sound the same and have the same theme: life sucks sometimes, let’s have a beer! His songs must be written by either a)the man himself, b)feral cats, or c) that guy from Nickelback. Seriously, how is he famous? **Name withheld to protect me from the wrath of this guy's sizable fan base.

An ad/infomercial that starts with an official-sounding lady saying “Attention, women with muffin tops!” I have no idea what happens after that b/c I’m usually on the floor in the fetal position, tears running down my face “like some sort of sad Jesus fountain”, to use your phrase.

Jan. 9:

“Tequila makes her clothes fall off” – my god, will it never end?

Jan. 11:

Took the dog outside last night and it was def snowing. TF is wrong with this state? ** edit: It was 70 last week.

Yesterday I walked to some apts in the neighborhood (okay, let’s be honest: the ‘hood) that had a ‘now hiring’ sign out, to ask what jobs they had available. The guy said “Maintenance”… then laughed. FML.

Today I am archiving the garage, yet again. Found a giant surprise box of clothes. As I sorted them, I kept thinking they didn’t look familiar, and why would we wear such ugly pants, even if it was the ‘90s? Then I realized: they’re my bro’s from middle school. Well, that one year of middle school before he left us to live with our dad. That was 10+ years ago.

It’s like I’ve stumbled into a time machine… but one that is rigged to only transport you to the shittiest times of your life.

Later: Okay, so I officially weeded all of my and mom’s clothes from the garage and there were a ton. Surprise southern handicap: after you move away from fam and traditional recipients of hand me downs (cf: twin cousins), you have no idea what to do with old clothes. I mean, c’mon!

I commandeered some of mom’s outgrown and more heinous outfits and now have all the makings for either a Charlie Chaplin or Sheldon Cooper costume. I mean, how many pairs of suspender pants did one person need in the '80s? I wore a pair once to high school, unfortunately the same day as the school play. All day people kept asking me if I was in the play. Nope, I’m just dressed like a tool.

Maybe I’ll start that blog – terrible h.s. stories.

I accidentally watched an ep of "Bones" via our illegal free cable hookup (so classy) – mistake. A) It’s pretty gross, b) it’s pretty inaccurate, and c) see title. This ep talked a lot about the spine, so I won’t sleep for a week. And then the news – suffice it to say that our current state hero is an 18 year old widow with a 3 month old who shot/killed burglars who were breaking into her house (read: trailer) in search of prescription meds. You stay classy, Oklahoma!

**edit: The comments on articles about this situation are the real gems: "I'm glad this Oklahoma woman received national attention but what they have failed to report is that Oklahoma has a unique law unlike other states. It is called "Make My Day Law" where if someone comes in your house uninvited, you can shoot them. She didn't have to call 911."

...
This is not a totally accurate statement, but ridiculous nonetheless.